stuff

i had some weird dreams last night. woke up missing my past belongings terribly. kinda silly, but i was totally attached to those things. my records, my random-ass halloween collection..... wait i guess that's pretty much it. funny that the reasons i got rid of them aren't even relevant anymore.

two summers ago i sold and threw away my richmond life. i said goodbye to friends and places that were comfortable and safe to me. said goodbye to a relationship that should have ended years before. got rid of everything that held a memory. i kept my clothes, a few books, my bike, tattoo shit, and some art supplies. the rest was not needed any longer.

my plan was to become certified in teaching english as a second language. get a free trip overseas. immerse myself in a brand new language, place, way of living. start from scratch. get settled again or bounce around with a working visa, and have time to find a tattoo shop that i actually liked.

i saw myself alone. totally figuring out myself again. an evolving wanderer. miserable at times i'm sure, lonely at times.... but those kind of hardships can bring out the best in me. i saw myself learning a new language, meeting new kinds of people, who maybe felt as passionately about things as i did. i saw myself possibly becoming a hermit and focusing solely on my art. i was ready to leave everything i knew and everything that knew me behind. i was ready to have a different chance to offer myself to others and vice versa. i was ready to have to learn some things on my own, and from others. all of those things, are still attractive to me.

my esol certification classes were cheaper if taken in the states, the closest college offering them in new york. luckily for me, two of my besties were already living there, one even offering me the space under his loft bed for the two months i would be there. my choice was made.

after a dinner at mekong with close friends, and one last roller skating, dance party at nara sushi, i packed the shit i didn't get rid of in the back of my mom's truck and moved to new york. i said goodbye to people, thinking i wouldn't see them again in years.... if even then. it was really sad. but so fucking exciting.

i liked new york enough, and visited it plenty, but never saw myself enjoying living here. i was too used to that slow southern style. but i filled up my air mattress, under a loft bed in a windowless closet-sized room, and left my boxes packed in a corner of the living room. no point in getting too comfortable. i went back to school. had a trapper keeper, book bag and everything.

to my surprise (having a decent disliking for public speaking), i really enjoyed teaching. it was fun to take every project or assignment i had and try to make it more fun. make it more interesting so people would want to learn. i was so compelled to be the most fun. with my teacher, i was compelled to show her that i could be the best, and earn respect, even with "all those tattoos". i over-planned each lesson i was assigned. it was fun. it was bringing out my creative side again, and making me think of things in several perspectives.

while i was still in school, i started looking for places to make money. new york is expensive, and i was starting to spend money that was saved for my "real" trip. i was too used to all the hook ups i had in richmond! strangely enough, i got a job really easily. started working at a tattoo shop in the village, that let me work around my school schedule. they also were open from 12 noon to 2 am..... holy shit those hours SUCKED!! ha i remember being so tired, working all day, then hustling back to brooklyn at 2 in the morning to catch the tail ends of the dance parties.

between school, homework, drawing, tattooing, having a best friend above me, a best friend a block away from me, dancing thanks to dirtyfinger, and a new city to explore, i was always busy. i was beginning to see new york. i was finding new things to like every day.

those two months FLEW by. i graduated at the top of my class, with any recommendation i wanted from my teacher. job positions were available in spain, prague, china, etc. i had six months time to be guaranteed a job overseas through the program.

but something had changed. i had already started over. the moment i got rid of all the shit i owned. the moment i moved to new york. i was already where i wanted to be. it was new, it was old. whatever it was, i wasn't ready to move on. i was ready to finally open and unpack my few boxes where they stood.

so i never made the six month deadline. i didn't go overseas and teach english. my certification sits somewhere in a box in my closet. i have not made a single lesson plan or thought about the structure of our language since my last day of school.

so all of my silly possessions are gone.

do i feel bad or regret either of those things? nope.

the choices i made changed me for the better and led me to the choices i'm making today. i know myself more, and i did what i set out to do:

i made a new life. always a forever growing, learning life. and luckily for me, all of my good friends are still right around the corner, instead of seas apart..... and i'll take that over possessions any day.

i am happy with the way things are. i am happy where i stand. but, that doesn't mean i can't still wish i had my record player and crates by my side.... and maybe a trick or treat toy or two.....